Satire Nite Live

SARAH PALIN AINT WAILIN

2008-08-29T13:32:00.001-07:00

'GOOD FOR YOU McCAIN'
YOU FOUND SOMEONE WITH LOADS OF ' NO EXPERIENCE'

AND SHOULD SHE GET THAT 3 A.M. CALL
WHETHER IT IS FROM YOU OR PUTIN
LET'S HOPE SHE CAN SPEAK RUSSIAN

SHE CALLS HER HUSBAND FIRST DUDE ( WE'RE SO USED TO FIRST LADY )
NAMED HER KIDS BRISTOL...TRACK..PIPER...WILLOW...TRIG
SO WE NOW KNOW SHE PLAYS A LOT OF SCRABBLE

HER NICKNAME WAS BARRACUDA ( THAT IS FOR REAL...GOOGLE BIO )

SHE OWNS GUNS
LIKES TO SHOOT HELPLESS DEER AND MOOSE
RATHER WOULD HAVE HEARD SHE WOULD LIKE TO SHOOT
OSAMA BIN LADEN

THOUGHT SHE SHOULD WIN TITLE AND RAN FOR MISS ALASKA
SO YOU KNOW WHAT'S COMING FROM THE PICTURE PRESS

FAVORITE DISH IS MOOSE STEW...
THAT MEANS THE WHITEHOUSE WOULD HAVE TO HIRE ANOTHER CHEF....

SORRY GOP-ERS...SHE MAKES DAN QUAYLE LOOK LIKE HE WAS A GREAT CHOICE...

SHE WILL BE MAKING A SPEECH ON TUESDAY
I THINK THEY TOOK OVER A STARBUCKS

Romney rushed to 'vet' hospital

2008-08-26T10:41:00.000-07:00

YES ROMNEY IS BEING 'VETTED' BY A TEAM OF VETERINARIANS
THEN THEY PUT HIM THROUGH A BODY SCANNER
(NOT THE KIND BUSH SR. DID NOT KNOW ABOUT)
TO SEE IF HE HAS ANY ANTI McCAIN TATTOOS
THEN A TEAM OF USA WATERBOARDERS WILL MAKE SURE
HE NEVER SAYS ANYTHING ANTI McCAIN AGAIN AS HE DID
IN THE PRELIMS AND IN MANY EXPENSIVE COMMERCIALS
THEN THEY ASK HIM SOME REAL TOUGH QUESTIONS
LIKE "DID YOU EVER KNOW ETHEL MORMON"
IS 'MORMON' CODE FOR I HAVE MORE MONEY THAN JOE BIDEN?
THEN THEY ASKED HIM IF HE IS READY TO TAKE OVER ON DAY ONE ?
BECAUSE McCAIN SAID "I'M 72...THESE 'FREAKIN' BUS TRIPS
ARE WEARING ME DOWN !!!
AND SO ON...

smudge report august 23/08

2008-08-22T10:16:00.000-07:00

THE SMUDGE REPORT.....AUGUST 23/08
by jerry grant
WELL THEY RELEASED CAYSEE ANTHONY (MOTHER OF CAYLEE)
A STRANGER IN THE NIGHT PUT UP $50,000 BAIL FROM JAIL
SHE HAS TO WEAR AN ANKLE BRACELET
BUT I HEAR THAT THAT DOESN'T KEEP YOU FROM GOING OUT DANCING

CLARK ROCKEFELLER WAS ASKED WHAT HIS FATHER LOOKED LIKE
HE DESCRIBED SOME UNIMPLOYED GERMAN
ANYWAY...HE WAS WARNED ABOUT USING THE ROCKEFELLER NAME AGAIN.
HE PROMISED HE WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN
HE IS SWITCHING TO VANDERBILT

NEWLY RELEASED FILES SHOW CHEF JULIA CHILD WAS A SPY FOR OSS...

HER FAMOUS RECIPE FOR turkey BARBECUE

CODE NAME FOR THE TURKEY : LUDWIG VON VERNER SCHNITZLE

START WITH STRONG ALUMINUM BAKING SHEET
(IMPORTED FROM LUXEMBURG GRADE 3290 )
POUR DOUGH IN BOTTOM OF CONTAINER
AFTER POUNDING THE 'TURKEY ' INTO SUBMISSION WITH FULL FORCE
IMMEDIATELY ADD 3 OUNCES OF HIGH GRADE POTASSIUM XY2
CONSISTENCY ESSENTIAL
APPLY INTENSE HEAT
PUMMEL FOUNDATION UNTIL YOU GET THE 'TEXTURE' YOU ARE LOOKING FOR
IF IT STILL GOBBLES LIKE GOEBELS !!!
REFRIGERATE !!!

HOMES SWEET HOMES
McCAIN WAS ASKED HOW MANY HOMES HE OWNS
HE COULDN'T ANSWER ... ( THE PRESS DISCOVERED 10 SO FAR )
BUT HE DID SAY THE ECONOMY IS DOING GOOD !!!
HE CAN RELATE TO REGULAR FOLK

AND THAT'S A JOKE...

RUSSIA FLEXES IT MISSILES '
NOW IF YOU REMEMBER, BUSH WAS SITTING NEXT TO PUTIN AT THE OLYMPICS
WATCHING THE VOLLEYBALL MATCHES. SMILING ..TALKING..DOING THE WAVE.
SAME MOMENT PUTIN WAS WAVING HIS TANKS INTO GEORGIA ...

RUSSIAN TANKS...TRUCKS...TROOPS DOING A GRAND TOUR OF GEORGIA
BUSH SEZ: YOU DON'T DO THAT IN THE 21ST. CENTURY AND GET AWAY WITH IT (????)
President Bush said today, that Russia will be in big trouble if it doesn't leave Georgia.. He has stationed troops on the boarders of Tenn. Florida, Alabama, So. Carolina, and has the US Navy blockading the East coast of the USA.. I guess he means business..

OKAY CHINA...
THE USA IS ENTERING BRAD AND ANGELINA'S TWINS IN THE 2012 TRAMPOLINE EVENT...

NASA: THERE'S ICE OUT THERE!
NOW ISN'T THAT GREAT NEWS FOR 'HOOTERS'

HERE’S AN EASY GAME TO PLAY
HERE’S AN EASY THING TO SAY
THIS AIN’T DREK…IT’S SIMPLE TECH…SO SEND ME A CHECK
AND WHAT THE HECK !!!

IF A PACKET HITS A POCKET ON A SOCKET ON A PORT
AND THE BUS IS INTERRUPTED AS A VERY LAST RESORT,
AND THE ADDRESS OF THE MEMORY MAKES
YOUR FLOPPY DISK ABORT,
THEN THE SOCKET PACKET POCKET HAS AN ERROR TO REPORT.

IF YOUR CURSOR FINDS A MENU ITEM FOLLOWED BY A DASH,
AND THE DOUBLE-CLICKING ICON PUTS
YOUR WINDOW IN THE TRASH,
AND YOUR DATA IS CORRUPTED ‘CAUSE THE INDEX DOESN’T HASH,
THEN YOUR SITUATION’S HOPELESS, AND YOUR
SYSTEM’S GONNA CRASH.

YOU CAN’T SAY THIS?
WHAT A SHAME SIR!
WE’LL FIND YOU
ANOTHER GAME SIR.

IF THE LABEL ON THE CABLE ON THE TABLE AT YOUR HOUSE,
SAYS THE NETWORK IS CONNECTED TO THE
BUTTON ON YOUR MOUSE,
BUT YOUR PACKETS WENT TO TUNNEL ON ANOTHER PROTOCOL,
THAT’S REPEATEDLY REJECTED BY THE
ROUTER DOWN THE HALL.

AND YOUR SCREEN IS ALL DISTORTED BY THE
SIDE EFFECTS OF GAUSS
SO YOUR ICONS IN THE WINDOW ARE ALL WAVY, AS IF SOUSED,
THEN YOU MAY AS WELL REBOOT, AND
GO OUT WITH A BANG,
‘CAUSE AS SURE AS I’M A POET, THE SUCKER’S GONNA HANG.

WHEN THE COPY OF YOUR FLOPPY’S GETTING
SLOPPY ON THE DESK,
AND THE MICROCODE INSTRUCTIONS CAUSE UNNECESSARY RISK,
THEN YOU HAVE TO FLASH YOUR MEMORY, AND
YOU’LL WANT TO RAM YOUR ROM.
QUICKLY TURN OFF THE COMPUTER. AND BE
SURE TO TELL YOUR
MOM.
THAT'S ALL FOLKS vvvvv

BOB SAGET ROAST COMEDY CENTRAL

2008-08-18T05:02:00.000-07:00

I MADE THE MISTAKE OF WATCHING THE 'BOB SAGET' ROAST LAST NITE

IT WAS ON COMEDY CENTRAL WHICH SHOULD CHANGE IT'S NAME TO COMEDY QUESTIONABLE ???

WOW'

IT HAD A DAIS OF DOOZIES

SOME UNKNOWN...SOME WHY...SOME WHO HAVE BECOME 'OVERCOOKED' AS ROASTERS

WHEN THE COMEDY HIT IS CLORIS LEACHMAN (A NON COMIC)
WHO AFTER TAKING A HEAP OF IDENTICAL JOKE ABUSES FROM THE ROASTERS
WENT TO THE MIKE AND UNLEASHED A BARRAGE OF CLEVER FUNNY STUFF THAT SHE THREW
AT EVERYBODY INCLUDING A FUNNY PREMISE FOR BEING THERE...AND DID NOT HAVE A SCRIPT
TO READ LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE...(YOU TAKE IT FROM THERE !)

IF SAGET IS THE CHOICE OF CHAMPIONS...THEN THE CC PRODUCERS SHOULD CONSIDER
ROASTING SOMEONE 'POSTHUMOUSLY' !!!

NOW IF ANY OF YOU CAUGHT THIS TRAIN WRECK AND LOVED IT....
I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR FROM YOU FROM WHATEVER MENTAL WARD YOU MAY BE IN.

TRY TO REMEMBER THE DEAN MARTIN ROASTS !!!

JULIA CHILDS OSS SPY

2008-08-15T13:34:00.000-07:00

NEWLY RELEASED FILES SHOW CHEF JULIA CHILDS WAS A SPY FOR OSS...

HER FAMOUS RECIPE FOR THE TURKEY BARBECUE

CODE NAME FOR THE TURKEY : LUDWIG VERNER SCHNITZLE

START WITH STRONG ALUMINUM BAKING SHEET

(IMPORTED FROM LUXEMBURG GRADE 3290 )

POUR DOUGH IN BOTTOM OF CONTAINER

AFTER POUNDING THE 'TURKEY ' INTO SUBMISSION WITH FULL FORCE

IMMEDIATELY ADD 3 OUNCES OF HIGH GRADE POTASSIUM XY2

CONSISTENCY ESSENTIAL

PUMMEL FOUNDATION UNTIL YOU GET THE 'TEXTURE' YOU ARE LOOKING FOR

ADD VEGETABLE OIL FOR FAST FRYING

THEN ROAST IN HIGHLY OCTAINED TOMATO SAUCE

GROUND GARLIC CLOVES INTO ANAL PASSAGE

STUFF 'PIMENTOS' INTO EARS AND CAVITIES

DEEP SLICE 10 INCHES ACROSS AND ADD PITTED PRUNES

CONTINUE FRYING UNTIL YOU SEE THE BAKING OIL 'SIZZLE'

'TURKEY' SHOULD START TO OPEN UP BY NOW.

IF ADDITIONAL COOKING IS REQUIRED

SCRAPE AWAY ANY EXTREMELY CHARRED BITS

STICK A THERMOMETER IN THE FAT OF THE GIZZARD

PEEL THE ONION AND WRAP AROUND NECK

SUBMERGE TURKEY IN PROPANE COOKER FILLED WITH PEANUT OIL

DUST WITH CAJUN PAPRIKA SEASONING

CUT OUT AND DISCARD THE ROOT AND DROP PIECES INTO BLENDER

EXTEND HEAT TO 500 F

STIR IN TOBASCO SAUCE UNTIL THE MIX TURNS COLOR

MAKE SURE BROWN ON ALL SIDES

SIMMER OVER UNTIL 'TURKEY ' REDUCED IN SIZE

NOW IF THAT DOESN'T MAKE THE TURKEY SQUAWCK !

REFRIGERATE !!!!

RUSSIA-GEORGIA SOCIAL COMMENTARY

2008-08-12T15:25:00.000-07:00

TIMING IS EVERYTHING !

RUSSIA FIGURED THE WORLD WAS FOCUSED ON BEIJING...

SO IT WAS A PERFECT TIME TO INVADE ANOTHER COUNTRY

GEORGIA LOOKED LIKE A PEACH...

HOWEVER SOME PEOPLE GOT KILLED ALONG THE WAY

SO IT MADE THE WORLD HEADLINES

LET'S NOT FORGET RUSSIA IS LIKE A PITBULL

IT HAS TO HAVE SOMETHING TO ATTACK EVERY NOW AND THEN....

OLYMPICS KAZAKHSTAN 2012

2008-08-09T18:30:00.000-07:00

SACHA BARON COHEN WHOM WE ALL KNOW AS 'BORAT'
WATCHED THE CHINESE STUPENDOUS SPECTACULAR SPECTACLE !
AND WAS QUOTED AS SAYING "IT WAS CUTE"

BUT WAIT 'TILL YOU SEE KAZAKHSTAN'S OLYMPICS IN 2012

WE OPEN WITH THE KAZAKHSTAN SYMPHONY COMB AND WAX PAPER ORCHESTRA
PLAYING THEIR ROUSING NATIONAL ANTHEM "CALIFORNIA HERE I COME "

FOLLOWED BY OUR FAMOUS BUNGEE DIVING TEAM WHO JUMP OUT OF A HELICOPTER
AND LAND IN THE HOSPITAL ...

FOLLOWED BY THE BREATHTAKING HIGH JUMPERS FROM MEXICO (WHO WERE ONCE
DISQUALIFIED FOR EATING MEXICAN JUMPING BEANS WHICH IS AGAINST THE RULES )

WE HAVE SEVERAL SPECIAL SPORT SURPRISES PLANNED...

WE HAVE TONYA HARDING WHO IS GOING TO WHACK NANCY KERRIGAN IN THE KNEES AGAIN.

WE HAVE MIKE TYSON WHO IS GOING TO BITE A CHUNK OFF THE EAR OF OUR NATIONAL WRESTLING CHAMP TUBBY BOOTZ.

WE WILL HAVE RUNNER MARION JONES WHO WILL BE OUT OF HER ORANGE JUMP SUIT ...
JUST TRY TO CATCH HER !

ENGLAND IS SENDING AMY WINEHOUSE...A SURE WINNER ON THE 'HIGH' BAR...

GERMANY'S SENDING HEINZ, HEINZ AND DAD, SUPERB WEIGHT LIFTERS...

RUSSIAN POLE VAULTER, IGOR STRAJINSKI, IS SCRATCHED .
HE POLE VAULTED INTO THE RUSSIAN EMBASSY AND THEY NEVER HEARD FROM HIM AGAIN...

CUBA BOATSMEN ARE FAVORED TO WIN EASILY. JUST THINK OF ALL THEIR PRACTICE RUNS
FROM CUBA TO MIAMI...

SOUTH AFRICA IS SENDING THEIR BEST SWIMMERS. THEY BECAME GREAT SWIMMERS
WHEN THEY HAD TO SWIM FOR THEIR LIVES TO GET AWAY FROM THE ALLIGATORS

THE CZECHS ARE SENDING LUDVIK SLOVAK... HE IS THEIR TOP DISCUS THROWER
ALTHOUGH IN PRELIMINARIES, HE ONLY THREW A TANTRUM !

ISRAEL'S GOLD HOPE...MYER GOLD. HE IS GOING TO OPERATE THE CONCESSION STAND
SELLING KASHA...KREPLACH AND KNISHES....

ITALY IS GREAT AT VOLLEYBALL...THEY GET IT FROM THROWING ALL THOSE PIZZA DOUGHS
UP IN THE AIR..

FRANCE CAN'T WAIT....THEY ARE SO ANGRY THAT AN AMERICAN, LANCE ARMSTRONG, HAS WON
THE TOUR DE FRANCE .... EMBARRASSING THEM 7 TIMES IN A ROW.
THEY KNOW HE IS NOT GOING TO KAZAKHSTAN AND THEY'RE GLAD !

WE EXPECT AN UNCONTROLLABLE MAJOR RIOT AT THE SOCCER MATCH BETWEEN KAZAKHSTAN AND YUGOSLAVIA ( YUGOSLAVIA NEVER PLAYED SOCCER )
THEN WE HAVE SPECTACULAR FIREWORKS ...UNLIKE ANYTHING YOU HAVE EVER SEEN BEFORE..
WE SET FIRE TO THE STANDS ....

WE CLOSE WITH POLICE SIRENS CHASING THE ORGANIZERS DOWN HIGHWAYS K -95 FOR A BIG FINISH !!!

GO TOP THAT....

CALEY-CASEY ANTHONY CASE

2008-08-08T12:00:00.000-07:00

THE CAYLEE (2 YEAR OLD)...CASEY (MOTHER)
ANTHONY MYSTERY CASE
31 DAYS BEORE THE GRANDMOTHER REPORTS TO POLICE
2 YEAR OLD IS STILL MISSING
AND SO IS THE TRUTH COMING OUT OF THE MOTHER'S MOUTH
SHE HAS BEEN LIEING...SMILEING....DEFYING...THE SYSTEM

COLD CASE..LAW AND ORDER...WITHOUT A TRACE...CRIMINAL MINDS
PROBABLY CAN'T WAIT TO GET A SCRIPT ON THIS CASE.

BUT YOU CAN BET CASEY (THE MOTHER ) IS HOLDING OUT FOR
THE BOOK DEAL
THAT'S 'BIG BUX' !!!

LET'S HOPE LITTLE CASEY IS ALIVE.....
AND THIS HAS A HAPPY ENDING
AND THE BOOK NEVER HITS THE MARKET !!!

PASS WIND

2008-08-07T12:04:00.000-07:00

WILL SOMEBODY TELL 'T BONE' PICKENS
THAT IF IT WILL TAKE TEN YEARS TO GET OFF SHORE OIL

DOES HE HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE TO 'PASS WIND' ?????????

2008-08-05T08:57:00.000-07:00

THE SMUDGE REPORT.....JULY 20/08
by jerry grant

NASA HAS PUT THE TRIP TO THE MOON ON 'HOLD' .
IT SEEMS THAT THE PRICE OF GAS IS FORCING THEM
TO STAY CLOSE TO HOME.

THERE IS A REALLY GOOD REASON FOR NOT DRILLING FOR OIL OFF
THE FLORIDA COAST. IF THEY SUCCEED IN BRINGING UP 'GUSHERS'
DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO GET THAT STICKY STUFF OFF THE SURFERS ???

GENERAL MOTORS TRYING TO CLOSE A FEW MORE PLANTS AND JUST MAKE A DEAL
WITH JAY LENO.

A-ROD HITTING SOME GRAND SLAMMERS WAY INTO OVERTIME !

WALL STREET...WHERE YOU CAN WATCH "THE RUNNING OF THE BULLS" !

HEY PAPARAZZI...WE STARS MAY BE FAIR GAME FOR INVASION OF PRIVACY.
BUT LAY OFF THE KIDS.
WE'RE GETTING THEM STARTED ON MAGAZINE COVERS FOR 20 MILLION !

JESSIE JACKSON WILL NEVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT.
HE BOUGHT A 'SCRAMBLER' AT RADIO SHACK.
SCRAMBLING MAKES YOUR VOICE SOUND LIKE DONALD DUCK
AND THAT'S OKAY WITH HIM....

PHIL GRAMM SAID WE ARE A NATION OF 'WHINERS' .
THAT'S FRANCE HOME OF THE REAL 'WINERS'.
OH 'SCUSE ME, GRAMM SAID ' WHINERS ' ...THAT'S THE EMMY LOSERS !

KEVIN FEED-HER-A-LINE ACTUALLY WON CUSTODY OF THE KIDS...AND $20,000 A MONTH
PLAY MONEY. NOW THEY CAN ALL PLAY RING AROUND THE ROSIE TOGETHER.

ATTENTION COMEDY CENTRAL .
BRINGING BACK 'THE GONG SHOW'...??????????????????????????
WE'RE STILL TRYING TO GET OVER JERRY SPRINGER.

FREE CREDIT.COM COMMERCIAL...
IF I SEE THAT GUY WITH THE GUITAR ONE MORE TIME.
I WILL TELL EVERYBODY HE IS LIPSYNCHING !

I DON'T CARE HOW FAR YOU LOOK, YOU WILL NEVER FIND ANY FRIEND WHO
KEEPS A 'BAT' FOR A PET...
NOW EXPLAIN WHY A BATMAN MOVIE JUST BROKE THE ALL-TIME GROSSING
ATTENDANCE RECORD IN MOVIE HISTORY ???

GOING GREEN...
THE ECO FRIENDLY CHINESE OLYMPIC BUILDINGS HAS BUSH AND CHENEY
TURNING GREEN WITH ENVY !!!

THAT'S ALL FFFFFF0LKS

POLITICS AS USUAL...(NOT)

2008-08-04T07:23:00.000-07:00

POLITICS AS USUAL ???

I DON'T THINK SO

THE LAST AD WE SAW WAS BRITNEY SPEARS RUNNING AGAINST PARIS HILTON

NOW WITH HILTON THE ISSUES ARE CLEAR

PARTY ON ...

BUT MIDDLE AMERICA IS NOT INVITED !!!

WITH CANDIDATE SPEARS YOU GET KEVINE FEDERLINE

AS SECRETARY OF THE TREASURY...

WITH PARIS, THE OVAL OFFICE WILL BE DECORATED

WITH ALL HER DESIGNER PRODUCTS

WITH SPEARS THE OVAL OFFICE WILL BE SHARED WITH DR. PHIL

TV COMMERCIALS...SOCIAL COMMENTARY

2008-08-03T15:58:00.000-07:00

HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT EVERYTHING IN THE GIVE-A-WAY COMMERCIALS ON TV IS ALWAYS $19.99...ONE PENNY AWAY FROM THE ROUND FIGURE OF $20.00?
SO, THEY START OUT BEING DECEITFUL!
AND THERE IS NO SHORTAGE OF THESE GUNIFFS
AND IF YOU CALL IN THE NEXT 5 MINUTES
YOU GET 32 MORE OF THESE 'NON WORKING' CHATCHKAS THAT THEY BUY IN CHINA FOR $1.99 (THE CHINESE LEARN FAST)
AND AS A BONUS, AS IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH ALREADY, THEY THROW IN THEIR WIVES...

AND THEY GET CUSTOMERS YET ?????????

WELL, AS YOUR CONSUMER BEWARE PROTECTOR...

WHEN YOU SEE THE COMMERCIAL START, SWITCH TO A CAR COMMERCIAL IMMEDIATELY
WHERE YOU WILL GET A $5,000 REBATE !!
NO PAYMENTS UNTIL YOUR CAR IS ROBBED,
GASOLINE FOR LIFE AND THE THEREAFTER,
A NEW STEVE JOBS RED LIGHT CHANGER,
A POLICE RADAR DETECTOR,
ONE OF OUR TOP SALESMEN WHO IS STRAPPED IN THE CAR AND A FRESH PAINT JOB FROM ONE OF THE PLANTS THEY ARE CLOSING.....
your american idle

THE SMUDGE REPORT...JULY 27/08

2008-08-02T11:45:00.001-07:00

SMUDGE REPORT...JULY27/08
by jerry grant

BATMAN SIGNAL HITS GOTHAM SKIES
NO... SIGNAL HITS LONDON SKIES
BATMAN WAS HUNG UPSIDE DOWN LIKE A BAT BY MOTHER AND SISTER
TO SEE IF ANY MONEY WOULD FALL OUT OF HIS POCKETS...
NO MONEY ...NO HONEY

SHADES OF EVIL KNIEVEL
TOYOTA LEAP FROGS OVER GM...FORD...CHRYSLER AND MANY OTHERS
IN RECORD BREAKING JUMP
HEY JAPAN AREN'T YOU TAKING OUR FRIENDSHIP TOO FAR TOO FAST ???

HOUSING MARKET
YOU WILL NEED AN EXTRA ROOM IN YOUR HOUSE
UNCLE SAM IS MOVING IN
FOR SOME TOO LITTLE TOO LATE
FOR OTHERS TOO CROWDED !

WHAT A FANTASTIC PRESS AGENT
HE HAS MANAGED TO KEEP LINDSEY LOHAN ON THE FRONT PAGES
EVERY WEEK. PARIS HILTON HAS BEEN REDUCED TO PAGE 32.
LINDSEY HIT BY BIKER IN NYC IS HIS LATEST STUNT.
DON'T TELL ME HE'S NOT GOOD ???

FORECLOSURE PROBLEM
CINDY AND JOHN McCAIN OWN A HALF A DOZEN HOMES
SO IF THEY ARE FORECLOSED ON FOUR OF THEM
SO WHAT ???

BARACKY O
HE CHARMED THEM LIKE JACKIE O
WELL AT BEST HE WILL BE PREZ
AT LEAST HE WILL BE THE $250,000 MAN
ON THE LECTURE CIRCUIT

THE LOBBYISTS NIGHTMARE
A BILL GATES-WARREN BUFFETT TICKET
THAT'S MY DREAM TICKET

GONE WITH THE BOONE PICKENS WIND
CONGRESS AND SENATE ON WAY TO SUMMER VACATION
HOW WILL WE KNOW THAT THEY'RE GONE ???

CAUGHT IN THE ACT
SERBIA CAPTURES 10 YEAR FUGITIVE RADOVAN KARADZIC..KILLER OF MILLIONS
HE WAS CAUGHT POSING AS A HUMAN BEING
BUT LOOKING LIKE A WAREWOLF ....

DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME
SHE'S AT IT AGAIN
THIS TIME THE MARRIED MILLIONAIRE IS THOMAS EARLE
THE HOOKER IS ASHLEY DUPRE (THE SPITZER SPITZFIRE )
SHE JUST MADE $200.000 DOWNLOADING HER MUSIC
SHE IS NOT LOOKING AT 'TIME'
JUST LOOKING AT WHO IS 'NEXT TIME' ???

31 DAYS
CAYLEE ANTHONY..2 YEAR OLD MISSING 31 DAYS
MOTHER CASEY ANTHONY WANTS TO KNOW WHY SHE IS IN JAIL
TELL HER YOU WILL LET HER KNOW IN 31 DAYS

WEAR AND TEAR HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT THE HOLLYWOOD MARITAL SHELF LIFE IS ABOUT THREE YEARS

IT WAS A QUIET NEWS WEEK SO THAT'S ALL THERE IS

FINIS